Why I’m not afraid to call this sh*t OUT!
Have you ever had one of those moments where something just hits you, and suddenly you can't stay quiet anymore?
That's where I'm at right now. I've been thinking about whether or not to write this email for days, and although some might label me as an “angry Asian woman” after this, I really need to get this off my chest.
Fair warning: you might not agree, but I encourage you to read on anyway.
I want to talk about the online coaching industry and “motivational mindset” gurus–the good, bad and ugly. I am in this online space as a PR coach, so I am very aware of public perceptions and the fact that putting yourself online inevitably invites judgment and criticism–always.
👀But picture this: I'm scrolling through my emails and reading from one of the most popular newsletter writers with a f*ck TON of followers. His stuff is usually pretty good, well organized and thoughtful. But today, his newsletter talked about a social experiment to make a point about rejecting the victim mentality.
See below for what I read before I almost threw my phone across the room⬇️:
Thoughts?
For me, it was such an egregious display of victim blaming and toxic “motivation self help” jargon I almost threw up in my mouth🤮.
And to say “life is unfair but we must be accountable, take back that power” while there are mass casualties and simultaneous wars going on right now? Very insensitive to say the least. I literally have friends whose uncle lost an entire family of 8 in Lebanon 2 weeks ago. And you probably also have friends/relatives impacted by the devastation that is the world right now.
Look, I get it. Personal responsibility is important, and I’m all about growing and taking action. But this whole "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" mentality? It's not just unhelpful - it's downright harmful.
And as a coach, I feel like I need to call this sh*t out.
Here's my thoughts:
When coaches preach about motivation and hard work without recognizing systemic barriers and simplify it to a “you are your own hero” bumper sticker, it's like saying "all lives matter" in response to "black lives matter." It completely erases diverse lived experiences and makes their audience who are not the dominant majority feel excluded and awful. Let me tell you about Pam, my best friend's mom. This fierce Black woman grew up in an abusive single parent household in the projects of Washington D.C. with gangs and violence, but went on to become a medical doctor despite her high school counselor telling her she would be a housekeeper for “rich white folks” at best. Despite the systemic barriers she faced while working her ass off to become an anesthesiologist, she still faced discrimination in her role throughout her career. One time she walked into an operating room to help deliver a baby, and the new doctor told her where the trash can was, thinking she was the janitor. That's not a "mindset" problem. That's systemic racism, plain and simple.
The "hustle harder" fallacy is harmful AF. This idea that if you're not making enough money, you're just not hustling hard enough? It's basically social Darwinism in a fancy Instagram font. Think about it - how many of us have parents who escaped war, came on cargo boats with $5 in their pocket, had no community to support them, and couldn't speak the language? How many of us grew up without the safety net of generational wealth, 3 generations of US college graduates in our families, and the connections that come with it? Our starting lines aren't the same as someone whose family's been here for generations and who come from countries with a higher quality of life and all that comes with it. No, I'm not victimizing myself here because I’m a first gen immigrant, but it does come with its own set of baggage we must deal with that many others simply don’t carry when building businesses. I am reminded of this when working on my money/scarcity issues passed down from my mom, and comparing it to my Italian husband (an immigrant to this country) who grew up in Milan? The contrast is STARK. His parents, although self-made and come from humble beginnings, never fled labor camps. His parents never had food rations nor had to live with 8 people in one room with no bathroom or running water in it. His parents never witnessed government sanctioned violence and imprisonment. This means that he grew up with a self-worth and safety narrative very different from my own because he doesn’t have generational trauma (hear about my story here)
Toxic positivity in a shiny package is irresponsible ignorance and needs to be checked. Telling people to "stop being victims" and that it's all “mind over matter” doesn't erase generations of trauma or systemic oppression. It just adds a heap of shame to an already full plate. And it does the exact OPPOSITE of what this coaching business was meant to do: empower people by making them feel seen as the unique individuals they are.
Here's MY truth: success isn't about mindset or hustle–you can listen to my episode about toxic bro marketing that embodies this and why it outright disgusted me here . It's also about acknowledging the very real barriers that exist for many of us. Barriers like systemic racism, generational poverty, lack of connections, neurodivergence - stuff that doesn't fit neatly into an Instagram caption.
This reminds me of a conversation I had with a well-known online coach with WAY more followers than me and a bigger business than me. She couldn't understand why her audience wasn't as diverse as she wanted it to be, even though she values DEI. She was baffled that people of color, immigrants, and folks from various backgrounds weren't flocking to her programs.
And that's the problem right there. We don't magically "attract" diversity. We create it. We nurture it. We become it.
**And no, the “I grew up in a small town and didn’t have diverse friends in my school district and didn’t have money to travel” is not an excuse. It’s also not on other people to do the emotional labor to teach you about their realities–there are so many books, movies, resources and free articles out there for people to learn and get educated.
→ See my other email this week for my thoughts about race and diversity here.
As someone who's navigated this industry from a non-traditional background, I'm hyper-aware of the spaces I'm creating. It's not about ticking diversity boxes. It's about building a community where everyone truly belongs.
So, how do we find coaches who get it? Here's a few things to look for ⬇️:
Look for nuance. If they're selling one-size-fits-all solutions, keep walking.
Check their community, their “besties” and people they are on stages with. Is there genuine diversity, or just token representation?
Listen to how they talk about success. Are they acknowledging complex realities, where THEY are on the privilege spectrum, or just reducing success to a “work harder” mantra?
Notice their language on IG captions, newsletters, and podcasts. Is it truly inclusive, or do they put people down for being “burn out” (it's a real thing, btw).
Check their interests. Do they ever read books, watch movies, hang out with, go to events that present diverse ideas from all lived experiences?
See who their customers are. I believe that our business is a reflection of us, and we attract who we are. This one is perhaps the most telling one of all.
Why am I sending you this?
💗 Because I'm on a mission to create a space where we can be real about this stuff. Where we can push for growth and success without ignoring the complex tapestry of our lives. To talk about difficult and hard topics like racism, sexism, ableism, and explore our biases so we can make progress and learn from each other.
But I want to hear from you. What problematic stuff have you noticed in the coaching world? What do you wish more coaches understood about your reality?
➡️Hit that reply button. Let's get this conversation rolling.
And if this email has you clutching your pearls? No hard feelings if you decide to unsubscribe. I'm leaning fully into who I am and what I stand for. It’s not for everyone, and that's okay.
Here's to keeping it real and cutting the bullsh*t, [Your Name]
P.S. If you're nodding along, share this and the podcast with a friend who needs to hear it so we can spread more real talk in this space. Thank you for being here, for reading this, and for being a beacon of light in your own community and friend groups. We truly need business owners who build from a place of inclusion and intention❤️.
P.P.S: If any of this resonates with you and you want to be in a community of other mission driven, diverse small businesses breaking the mold and confidently take up space by pitching their stories to the media, book a call with me to see if we would be a fit. We will have a famous primetime TV journalist from Good Morning America, Today Show, Kelly and Ryan and others meet our PR members and guide them–I would love for you to meet her and tell her about your business so you can get featured!